Aloha

The chill from the freezer made my hands numb and dry and the pin prickle that should have accompanied it wasn’t there. I couldn’t feel it, but I remember the sensation like fire pulsing through my hand, with little tiny needles stabbing like daggers at my finger tips. I walked in the snow without gloves before and the first time I did it, my mind swam in a watery grave of pain. Some how after nearly a year of being in the cold my hands had grown use to the torment I had inflicted upon them. There were scars and abrasions with cracks lining my palm and each of my fingers almost. The soft and supple feeling of air and moisture had left leaving behind something unpleasant. If only I had taken better care of them like my brother in law and gotten a manicure. Why bother I would only destroy them again after all he does paper work and I do labor different sides of the ball park I think. Still with out them how would I write?
The freezer was all stocked up with goods and the sweat that had stained my sweater had frozen but I was still damp and breathing in wheezes. Seven empty pallets lay stacked upon each other on the sales floor. Next to it were shopping carts by the troves stacked high with empty cardboard boxes folded and crumpled and plastic wrappers all shoved in, sticking out like a misshapen porcupine, looking like they were about to topple over any second and spill all over the clean floor. I had worked out the entire freight in the freezer knowing tonight when I return there’d be more, and I was about ready to drop dead. My knees were quavering my head felt like puddy and my whole body felt loose and malleable, ready to come undone, and collapse where I stood in a heap. Checking my watch the time had read 6:40. Time to retire homeward. I was done.
As I was making the corner heading for the receiving dock a lady with gigantic bug like blue eyes, long curly locks falling at her astute face which reminded me of a nurse if only she hadn’t been dressed in the usual Wal Mart attire navy blue and khaki pants said kindly in her deep man like voice “Why did you leave Hawaii for Utah?”
My voice caught back in it’s throat for it was hoarse and dry like my hands, and crackling. I had to think and as I pondered I remembered something but it wasn’t the answer to her question, though I had wondered how she knew, for most folks thought me an Indian, but no matter rumors fly around and spread in a wild fire out of control at work, once it got started there was no stopping. How many others knew? Who cares!
“Ummm….Ahhhh.” I had said.
“Come on hun, from the sun and beach to this cold and snowy? There has to be a reason.” She said.
My mind sailed back in time drifting through a sea of memories, to a place less obtrusive, and far more peaceful. As I sank deeper and deeper in my thought my eye’s glazed over not staring at anyone or thing in particular. Pulling it out of the bank from the recess of my brain, it came hurtling through unhindered and played like a record, as I fell back into the world I knew well, I embraced it, the echo of the past. The wheels were spinning.
“It’s a long story.” I said.
“Try me.” She said smiling mockingly daring me to give her my best.
“Well you see…………………………….”


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What makes a person unique? What makes a person lovable, believable, and strong? Is it the passion in their eyes, or validity in their voice? Is it their outward appearance? I believe sincerely and whole heartedly that what give people their strength and make’s them special and unique isn’t their toleration to indifference, or their good nature, or the way they act towards others, or how they look. If that’s the case than I really need to work on some of them stuff, but I don’t think that it is. I personally believe that it’s their flaws…. Our weakness gives us a challenge, and motivates us to be at our best, it pushes us when no one else will, and that I believe is what make us human, make’s us special, and make’s us lovable.
A weakness isn’t something we are afraid of but rather something we lack in our foundation, like a bridge with a weak link, standing on wobbly legs. Life I’ve learned forces us to tread across that bridge whether we want to or not, and that’s where the fear factor falls into place.
Will the bridge hold or will it collapse with you on top of it, truthfully there is no solid answer to that question. What make’s people unique is their courage to stride across the rotting beams of a falling structure. The trick is getting to the other side. Not many people have, not many are successful, but that isn’t where we fail. Where we fail is when we believe we are the only one facing a hard struggle, or when we laugh at others when we ourselves face an up hill battle, and that I believe make’s us ignorant, and numb.
When I think of weakness I think of a crippled elderly man who hobbles on a cane, eye’s straining against the glare of the sun, muscles tender and frayed struggling with each step. When I stare into the mirror I see that old man staring laxly into my face, bitterly, and stubborn, with eye’s a lit with fire.


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Since living with my sister things have been a little ineresting. I mean my sister is pregnant with my first ever nephew which is great. She has her way of doing things and I have mines and we each find ways to get on each other's nerves but hey that's jus the way we are. I have also learned much more things about her hubbie than I really wanted too. I learned he's a JERK!!! He doesn't like me nor any of my sister's friends or my familly in particular or his very own. He love's to go clubbing for a married man and he has a secret love life that no one know's about but my sister is learning about it the hard way thru pictures she has found in his brief case. My sister would never tell me these things because she is to busy portraying the perfect love life while I am around her, so I find it out thru her many network of friends. I also learned that before comming here she was planning on leaving him but she got knocked up by him so her plan didn't work. I do know that my sister has no back bone so whenever he tells her to do things she more than often complies and does it. He is very CONTROLLING and MANIPULATIVE but he doesn't hit my sister from what I see and from what her friends tell me which is a good thing or I would have to kick his ASS!!!(*_*)

Now on to better things.......I found myself an apartment and I got a good job...

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Utopia, does it truely exist?
How long have I hoped and wished?
In my mind I firmly believed in it.
A comfortable place to start over, recieve redemption
I imagined a nice warm setting to visit.
Complex as it was, it excited my fascination

In my prime after dealing with so much crap I decided to leave home.
To abandon my troubles and weary life for the unknown.
Relinquishing my worries with hope.
Packing my bags eager to climb up the slope.
With anticipation and preserverance on my side I felt stronger.

In the late summer of 2006 at the age of 25,
I bid all my friends and most of my familly who were alive goodbye.
Who in their own ways wished me well.
I basked in the tropical water one last time.
Seen the sun set over the ocean swell,
Turning the blue sky turqouise, red, and lemon lime.

It all seemed so long ago,
When I thought all my woes would up and disapear.
My heart sank when I learned the Utopia I envisioned and yearned,
was not what I expected it to be.
My safe haven and sanctuary was falling apart bitterly,
I left one problem and stumbled into another one with no where to flee.
Where do I begin?

In the dead of winter a thousand miles away from the Hawaiian Isles I knew and loved,
wishing I was home now, yet here I am feeling all alone.
Like some stone cast a drift in the rough current being pulled along.
Everytime someone ask me what brought me here I retell my sad song.
Now I ask again does Utopia truely Exist?
Or was it in my mind all this time?

Ever since I was just a little boy all I ever dreamt about was playing in the snow, making a big giant snow man in the yard and having snow fights, the things I use to see only on T.V. . I've always wondered what it would be like to step out of my door and into a white cold winter. I grew up in Hawaii where the weather is always tropical and beautiful, it never dropped bellow 60 in december and it never climbed higher than 95 on a hot humid summer day.

In the winter time when the temperture would drop mildly to about 70 or possibly 60 degrees I would always wonder how cold it would be if it declined a little more. I remember I would go to school with no sweater or long pants just shorts, a t-shirt, and a pair of slippers, braving the cold. I don't know what it was about me, that made me do these things, but I never really got stung by the chill, but I would be the one suffering in bed with the flu a month after. Than when I got better again I would do it again, like an idiot.





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It's kind of scary when I think about moving out on my own, especially on foreign soil. In a few months I will down the road be looking for an apartment. No more freshly cooked pizza or taco's or anyone familliar to talk too, just me and the wind and life time supply of cup o noodles. I can't wait but I am sadden that it's happening sooner than I expected. I barely know anyone here the one's that I do know I am not so sure they are going to live here in Utah any longer they look as if they just about had it with this state. Utah is in the middle of no where, and that's how I feel with my life I am in the middle of no where. After being led on false hope's by my sister to come here and live with her I now see the bigger picture, I was taken in for a ride and now must deal with her temporal mood swings. I mean I sort of burried my anger and am having a hard time holding my temper in with her. She has her good points when talking with me but she is becoming like my Mother or ACTING like it. There's time's where she tries to school me on life and I just turn a deaf ear on her comments but when she is not getting her way she tells me she will throw me out which I know is full of hot air and CRAP. Now if I had my way I would tell her to go FUCK OFF! But this is her home I am living in and I have no other place to go to for the time being. For the time being I am waiting out the storm.......

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Before I came to Utah I had an extremely hard time with my parents who were at time's very demanding and down-right irritating. My Mother and Father always bickered over past events and what lead to their heated rage between each other. It was mostly my Mother who was always the feary one with all her mood swings and annoying temper problems. I had financial woes with my truck and both my parents were asking me for money which I didn't have and my Mother gave my loving dog away. I just about had it with them,I wanted to shoot myself but after contimplating over whether I should or shouldn't along came my sister, who promised me a better life up in Utah to live with her for free and all I had to do was get a job go to school and she'll take care of the rest. (Like and Idiot I took her offer thinking life was better on the other end of the rainbow) I found hope where there was none before, and I wasn't going to give it up even when most of my friends bashed me for it. Utah sounded fun and adventuresome to me but to my friends and some of my familly members it sounded alien and scary. All I got from them were "You'll be sorry....... and in a few months you'll be coming back soon.." I didn't buy one word of it although now it seemed like those words are bound to come true..... but not if I can help it by Golly I will not go back until I feel I am good and ready.

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